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Sunday, March 6, 2016

Drunk In Colorado, Utah....or Somewhere

Oh, yeah. I've been drunk once or twice. Some times are especially memorable like when I was in Grand Junction, Colorado, Utah.....or somewhere.

I flew out there to visit my friend Dave, who had moved out there when his father was lost in a light plane crash. Dave went out to make the arrangements and loved the place so much he never left. Dave became so much a part of the west that he developed a long, slow Texas drawl to his speech, and a black Stetson cowboy had become part of his persona. You might think you were dealing with John Wayne, but Dave was actually Jewish!

Dave was living with a nice girl, who had a really hot looking, recently single friend. Dave' girlfriend couldn't help but meddle, so the four of us ended up bar hopping in Colorado until Dave wanted to go to a bar in Utah, or something.

Now, let me be very clear about this part: She was smoking hot. Smokin'.

Smoking hot.

We are going down the road in what looked to me like another planet (we don't have much desert or cactus in Florida) when the girl pulls out some peyote. I had never heard of the stuff, and she insists "Oh, it's just a cactus that will give you a little buzz." Oh, sure. A little buzz would be ok.

I mean, it's just a cactus. How bad could that be?

Surprise! Now it really does look like another planet. We are flying down highway 69 (or something) and I am looking out the window, waving at all the cactus that I am convinced are waving back at me. Oh, look at all the friendly green people!

We end up at this absolute dive of a place, again maybe somewhere in Utah ......or somewhere. If I recall correctly, it was called "Roadhouse 69" (or something), but I am too wasted to know. We are drinking and dancing, and all the girl keeps talking about is how badly she wanted to get me out of there, except we are out in the middle of nowhere. Even to the faster music she insists on slow dancing very, very, very close to me. It could not have been any closer, and it certainly couldn't have been any more comfortable.

Remember, She was smoking hot.


Things were looking pretty sweet. She suggests we go out to the car when her recently former boyfriend shows up. He wants to talk and get back together with her. I'm only visiting and probably won't ever see her again, so being a nice guy and all (as well as wasted), I didn't want to screw things up for her. I'm going home in a few days, and I am so drunk and tripping so badly it was easier to play along and tell her to go talk to him. I mean, the guy was crying, so it would probably be a short conversation.

Except it wasn't.

After about an hour, do the math. I'm trapped in this bar out in the middle of god forsaken nowhere, and can't go anywhere to get away from this blatant rejection being rubbed in my nose. I'm a single guy and there's all sorts of hot chicks running around in shorts, skimpy tank tops (braless, of course) 
and cowboy hats. They are dancing, jumping up and down ...all drunk, and single, of course .... but I'm on a stinking bad blind date and can't do so much as dance with one of them or I'm gonna look like a bad guy.

As we were sitting there watching it all unfold, Dave leans across the table, pushes his Stetson back on his head a little and in that long Texas drawl says "You're in a foreign county now, son. Around here when a girl treats you like that, we just get shitface drunk and chase all the other women."

Well, why waste a good buzz, eh? I danced with every woman in the place, drank as much beer, got as drunk and raised as much hell as I could. I actually forgot I was having a bad time until they threw me out for relieving myself in the lady's room sink. I don't remember that part but Dave swears I did it.

Then in the parking lot, the girl's boyfriend came over and started a fight with me because I was treating her so badly on our "date." I'm so drunk I didn't have a chance, but it didn't matter. Dave kicked his ass and I went home with my "date."

I have always wanted to go back to Colorado, or Utah ..... or somewhere.